Hugo Milfking

A problem called Connie?

Star of The Sound of Music Connie Fisher has been named the theatre’s most promising newcomer of the year. It's all a long way from her humble beginnings as a chicken strangler in a Dagenham slaughterhouse where she worked before grabbing fame by the throat in BBC1’s snoozeathon, ‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?’.
Since then, Connie has quickly established herself as one of the rising stars of the musical theatre, as I told her when I met her at a cocktail party at the Savoy on Tuesday before she had to rush off to yodel at a packed matinee audience.
Connie told me that she's totally thrilled by the response of audiences to the show.
Of course, I wouldn't know that because I've got much more interesting things to do with my time than go watch another rehash of a fifty year old film because composers these days can't do anything more original. They should have asked me. I wrote my novel in no time and I could have written a hit libretto in half an hour.
It does leave us facing the possibility that the London stage will now be dominated by these musicals made out of the recycled bits of old Rogers and Hammerstein films.
In this humble reporter's opinon, we should start to ask ourselves ‘How Do We Solve A Problem Like Connie?’ since her brand of toothy singing and gaspy acting will be around longer than this Labour Government.

•Big Brother's Jermaine Jackson has offered to help our own top British pan-faced hag Jo O'Meara become a better person. He hopes that the multi-talented fag smoker will record one of his songs. He said: "I thought that Jo is a very, very wonderful talent and there's a bit of confusion that's trapped inside of her.' By which he probably means that her mean-tempered fag-smoking bitching will probably go on for much longer than this Labour government.

•Fans of Die Hard actor Bruce Willis will be relieved to know that Hollywood's top action hero has survived another brush with dangerous criminals. This time it was an old friend of Willis' who had been looking after the stars property that held him to ransom. The friend demanded $100,000 to stop the media for learning personal information. The actor is said to be relieved at the conviction and promises that there will be more Die Hard movies in a franchise that will certainly last much longer than this Labour Government.

•Nelson Mandela greeted the daughter of boxing great Muhammad Ali in South Africa yesterday. Laila Ali is in the country for a boxing match of her own and it wasn't long before the ex-President was proclaiming himself her greatest fan. Of course, Mandela says that about everybody he ever meets but one thing is certain and that's these displays of Mandela's eternal friendship with everybody he ever meets will be going on for much longer than this Labour Government.

•Their other halves can't be pleased to learn that Ant and Dec have bought houses in the same street. Friends in real life, the two mega rich TV presenters with no discernable skills will be able to practise their chirpy banter over the back fence. Don't worry though, I'm sure their friendship will survive this twist and they'll be together longer than this Labour government.

•The usual faces turned up for the launch of the 2007 Comic Relief appeal. Brother and sister act Jo and Russell Brand were on a barge on the Thames while Davina McCall asked everybody to donate money to help the poor in Africa. No doubt the actual evening of Comic Relief will be the usual humourless affair which seems to go on much much longer than this current Labour Government.

Postscript

DreamWorks Animation is ending its partnership with the creators of Wallace and Gromit after the poor showing of their recent film at the box office. I'm sure Ardman Animations don't need the Americans and I'm sure Wallace and Gromit will be around a lot longer than this Labour Government.