New York's most famous food critic has stuck a large silver fork into our very own much beloved Gordon Ramsay. Frank Bruni is the Big Apple's equivalent to Michael Winner and if his review of Ramsey's new restaurant is anything to go by, one would think he has a Death Wish given the notorious temper of the fiery scot. "Seldom has a conquistador as bellicose as Mr Ramsay landed with such a whisper", he writes cattishly. "It's not an unappealing sound, but it's nothing that's going to prick up your ears."
Ramsay has made millions in the UK by presenting himself as the man who knows everything there is to know about food and running a restaurant. Meeting his match in so public a way is sure to damped even the spirits of such a rampant ego but perhaps Bruno’s greatest insult was to accuse the chef of dullness, writing that "for all his brimstone and bravado, his strategy for taking Manhattan turns out to be a conventional one, built on familiar French ideas and techniques that have been executed with more flair, more consistency and better judgment in restaurants with less vaunted pedigrees."
Bland the food may be but is there anything more delicious than watching two grown men scratch it out? Well only if we could watch them scratch it out on national TV. Now isn’t that a idea for the next Celebrity Big Brother?

• In another victory for the good guys, Esther Rantzen has managed to overturn a parking ticket. The legendary investigative journalist turned her years of experience facing down crooks, swindlers, conmen, and those that prey on children, to take a London council to task for giving her a ticket while she was in the process of putting coins in a traffic meter. It makes a change for Esther whose days are now spent starring in BBC docu-reality shows where she manages to wangle free holidays in France at the license payer's expense.

• A reported 200,000 people have turned off The Archers because they’ve grown tired of an ongoing affair between Ruth Archer and Sam the herdsman. The news here isn’t that they’ve turn off their radios but that so many people were listening in the first place. Don’t these people have televisions to watch? And, anyway, what kind of name is ‘Sam’ for a herdsman? Baaaaaa…

• Richard Branson is getting into the field of stem cell research. His Virgin company will soon be offering people a chance to store stem cells with them. Shouldn’t we all get a bit worried about this development? Look what happened the last time a virgin got involved in a business involving the creation of life without procreation. And then there is that worrying facial resemblance between Branson and that other fellow…

• Beautiful South are to split up. What? You mean they hadn’t already? The singers from Hull are to set an example for follow fellow city resident John Prescott to follow as they decide to hang up their guitars. We don’t know if this is the end of the Beautiful South sound, with their darkly disturbing lyrics tied to upbeat melodies but if not, then we’re always left with happy memories of the memorable songs such as… er… don’t help me now… there’s that one with the video where the woman is covered in bird shit…

• While Beautiful South are breaking up, music fans can console themselves with the news that Bobby McFerrin is to go back on tour. The singer famous for making noises with his throat and other exciting parts of his body will be touring the US with a tour of Europe to follow. Can I suggest he speak to the guys who put on the Puppetry of the Penis? What a show that could make. A wondrous spectacle of sights and sounds.

Postscript

Beyonce Knowles is celebrating success of a sort after being nominated top fantasy girlfriend by a men's magazine. I don't mean to downplay her qualities but it's hard to believe that the lovely Cathy Burke didn't come out on top. I know she usually does in all of my fantasies.

A problem called Connie?

Star of The Sound of Music Connie Fisher has been named the theatre’s most promising newcomer of the year. It's all a long way from her humble beginnings as a chicken strangler in a Dagenham slaughterhouse where she worked before grabbing fame by the throat in BBC1’s snoozeathon, ‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?’.
Since then, Connie has quickly established herself as one of the rising stars of the musical theatre, as I told her when I met her at a cocktail party at the Savoy on Tuesday before she had to rush off to yodel at a packed matinee audience.
Connie told me that she's totally thrilled by the response of audiences to the show.
Of course, I wouldn't know that because I've got much more interesting things to do with my time than go watch another rehash of a fifty year old film because composers these days can't do anything more original. They should have asked me. I wrote my novel in no time and I could have written a hit libretto in half an hour.
It does leave us facing the possibility that the London stage will now be dominated by these musicals made out of the recycled bits of old Rogers and Hammerstein films.
In this humble reporter's opinon, we should start to ask ourselves ‘How Do We Solve A Problem Like Connie?’ since her brand of toothy singing and gaspy acting will be around longer than this Labour Government.

•Big Brother's Jermaine Jackson has offered to help our own top British pan-faced hag Jo O'Meara become a better person. He hopes that the multi-talented fag smoker will record one of his songs. He said: "I thought that Jo is a very, very wonderful talent and there's a bit of confusion that's trapped inside of her.' By which he probably means that her mean-tempered fag-smoking bitching will probably go on for much longer than this Labour government.

•Fans of Die Hard actor Bruce Willis will be relieved to know that Hollywood's top action hero has survived another brush with dangerous criminals. This time it was an old friend of Willis' who had been looking after the stars property that held him to ransom. The friend demanded $100,000 to stop the media for learning personal information. The actor is said to be relieved at the conviction and promises that there will be more Die Hard movies in a franchise that will certainly last much longer than this Labour Government.

•Nelson Mandela greeted the daughter of boxing great Muhammad Ali in South Africa yesterday. Laila Ali is in the country for a boxing match of her own and it wasn't long before the ex-President was proclaiming himself her greatest fan. Of course, Mandela says that about everybody he ever meets but one thing is certain and that's these displays of Mandela's eternal friendship with everybody he ever meets will be going on for much longer than this Labour Government.

•Their other halves can't be pleased to learn that Ant and Dec have bought houses in the same street. Friends in real life, the two mega rich TV presenters with no discernable skills will be able to practise their chirpy banter over the back fence. Don't worry though, I'm sure their friendship will survive this twist and they'll be together longer than this Labour government.

•The usual faces turned up for the launch of the 2007 Comic Relief appeal. Brother and sister act Jo and Russell Brand were on a barge on the Thames while Davina McCall asked everybody to donate money to help the poor in Africa. No doubt the actual evening of Comic Relief will be the usual humourless affair which seems to go on much much longer than this current Labour Government.

Postscript

DreamWorks Animation is ending its partnership with the creators of Wallace and Gromit after the poor showing of their recent film at the box office. I'm sure Ardman Animations don't need the Americans and I'm sure Wallace and Gromit will be around a lot longer than this Labour Government.