Hugo Milfking

New York's most famous food critic has stuck a large silver fork into our very own much beloved Gordon Ramsay. Frank Bruni is the Big Apple's equivalent to Michael Winner and if his review of Ramsey's new restaurant is anything to go by, one would think he has a Death Wish given the notorious temper of the fiery scot. "Seldom has a conquistador as bellicose as Mr Ramsay landed with such a whisper", he writes cattishly. "It's not an unappealing sound, but it's nothing that's going to prick up your ears."
Ramsay has made millions in the UK by presenting himself as the man who knows everything there is to know about food and running a restaurant. Meeting his match in so public a way is sure to damped even the spirits of such a rampant ego but perhaps Bruno’s greatest insult was to accuse the chef of dullness, writing that "for all his brimstone and bravado, his strategy for taking Manhattan turns out to be a conventional one, built on familiar French ideas and techniques that have been executed with more flair, more consistency and better judgment in restaurants with less vaunted pedigrees."
Bland the food may be but is there anything more delicious than watching two grown men scratch it out? Well only if we could watch them scratch it out on national TV. Now isn’t that a idea for the next Celebrity Big Brother?

• In another victory for the good guys, Esther Rantzen has managed to overturn a parking ticket. The legendary investigative journalist turned her years of experience facing down crooks, swindlers, conmen, and those that prey on children, to take a London council to task for giving her a ticket while she was in the process of putting coins in a traffic meter. It makes a change for Esther whose days are now spent starring in BBC docu-reality shows where she manages to wangle free holidays in France at the license payer's expense.

• A reported 200,000 people have turned off The Archers because they’ve grown tired of an ongoing affair between Ruth Archer and Sam the herdsman. The news here isn’t that they’ve turn off their radios but that so many people were listening in the first place. Don’t these people have televisions to watch? And, anyway, what kind of name is ‘Sam’ for a herdsman? Baaaaaa…

• Richard Branson is getting into the field of stem cell research. His Virgin company will soon be offering people a chance to store stem cells with them. Shouldn’t we all get a bit worried about this development? Look what happened the last time a virgin got involved in a business involving the creation of life without procreation. And then there is that worrying facial resemblance between Branson and that other fellow…

• Beautiful South are to split up. What? You mean they hadn’t already? The singers from Hull are to set an example for follow fellow city resident John Prescott to follow as they decide to hang up their guitars. We don’t know if this is the end of the Beautiful South sound, with their darkly disturbing lyrics tied to upbeat melodies but if not, then we’re always left with happy memories of the memorable songs such as… er… don’t help me now… there’s that one with the video where the woman is covered in bird shit…

• While Beautiful South are breaking up, music fans can console themselves with the news that Bobby McFerrin is to go back on tour. The singer famous for making noises with his throat and other exciting parts of his body will be touring the US with a tour of Europe to follow. Can I suggest he speak to the guys who put on the Puppetry of the Penis? What a show that could make. A wondrous spectacle of sights and sounds.

Postscript

Beyonce Knowles is celebrating success of a sort after being nominated top fantasy girlfriend by a men's magazine. I don't mean to downplay her qualities but it's hard to believe that the lovely Cathy Burke didn't come out on top. I know she usually does in all of my fantasies.